Addressing The Fear

Okay, okay so it’s taken me a while to catch up. As many of you know I have worked with children in many different fields for 15+ years now, as a nanny, in nurseries, in Romanian orphanages as well as with traumatised children, in education and therapy settings, as a mother of two and now in the human and equine therapy field. I can say so far it has been a rollercoaster of a journey and I’ve had experiences I’ll never forget.

When it came to lockdown my body and mind felt ready. I have worked therapeutically with traumatised children, I know the educational process, I contend with four powerful horses daily… home schooling my 9 and 10-year-old will be a breeze I said to myself…

HOW SILLY WAS I!

The first three days were utter hell, the sibling rivalry went through the roof and we had all thought screaming at each other was the best option… that was until we all ended up in tears!!

 After some reflection and trying to understand why we were all being so horrible to each other by behaving in this way I realised that the answer was staring me right in the face and had been the whole time!!!

Everyone was scared and fearful of what this situation was about? What was it going to lead to for ourselves and for our families? The children constantly asking if they’re going to get ill or die today! I have a cough mummy, I can’t breathe properly, my head hurts!

My questions were, what will happen with my clients? How can I continue to help? How am I going to home school my children and give them the best when we can barely look at one another without an explosion? How is it possible that I can work with other children all day long and get great results, how can I communicate and deliver training to school staff, and help parents get the best from their children, whilst fail with my own!

So, I started to address why. My job with my children is to be a parent first and foremost and not a teacher, although saying that, as a parent we teach our kids daily by our own behaviour, how we communicate with one another, and by putting routines and constant boundaries in place. We, as parents are teaching our children how to survive, how to interact, how to do daily jobs. Children are constantly learning, just in different ways depending on the role of the person that they are in contact with at that time.

I had to address who I was and what role I was going to play with my children, and be comfortable with the fact that I’m not their teacher in a school setting and they will argue with me until the cows come home, so, if I expected them to come into my classroom and get taught by me for the day I was kidding myself!

I had to take the pressure off…..but firstly I need to address the fear factor. That was my role for today…

I come across fear daily in my work… clients turn up and have never touched a horse before let alone being asked to be in a field with them and carry out activities with the horse’s powerful presence in front of them. And this isn’t half of their fear factor, they have also come to the session with their own fearful issues and then they’ve been asked to trust the horse and myself. So, fear becomes one of the first things we often focus on. Fear is instinctive and inhibits learning and creating positive change in our lives. When fear takes over danger appears, horses mirror human behaviour and the energy and underlying attitudes a person brings to them. Horses become afraid of this energy and in turn can become dangerous. Just like children and adults that can’t manage or understand their fear and make sense of it, this can in turn lead to dangerous situations.

Defined as an unpleasant emotion, fear causes the belief that something is dangerous or life-threatening and can lead to anxiety about the potential outcome which could cause an uncomfortable feeling or pain for the person experiencing it.

My children were clearly feeling uncomfortable, you could see it in their bodies, fidgeting, frustrated, yelling, fighting with each other. I am very lucky to have children that have always been good at being open with their feelings and talking through any worries. My clients often find this bit excruciating but have come to the session to learn from the horse and myself. My children can do the talking well, but learning from me in a teacher style wasn’t going to work……you don’t know Mum? You don’t understand? You’re not us? You’re not a child, how on earth can you know what you’re talking about? We are scared!

We sat down and cleared the air after some space they talked to me about their worries of missing friends, school, and family, how weird it was with everyone in masks and gloves and how this looks scary. I listened, agreed then reassured to the best of my ability that everything would be alright and we were all having to adjust. We spoke about the positives of having more time together and the different things we could do together with what we had available to us.

Giving children the space to communicate and explain how they are feeling with no judgement or punishment is one of the most powerful gifts you can give to your child/friends/family and clients. Being heard is sometimes all it takes to be able to move on mentally and physically. I decided the next step forward (pardon the pun) was to give everyone a break. I made a stand that I was not going to be doing home-schooling until we were ready, and who knows when that would be, if ever! Instead we were going to get back to basics! Our learning was going to be:

1) How to get on with each other or even tolerate what we each bring to the table

2) Learn about each other

3) Learn to play again as siblings

4) Figure out how to occupy yourself when mum is busy!

5) Make up new games

6) Be imaginative

7) Cook together

And so on and so on.

As soon as I took the pressure off myself by making the decision not to homeschool until we were ready, the pressure was off the children and everyone became calmer and the house started to regain some balance. We all started falling into a new routine which I believe benefits everyone. We all had our own jobs that needed to be completed that day, but there wasn’t the stress and the time factor around it. Everyone started to feel free again and what came out of it was miraculous… knowing mummy had work to be done and couldn’t tend to their every want (not need, as I would always address their needs) they asked each other to play, and they laughed together. This has got to be one of the best takeaways from lockdown I could possibly imagine. I could hear pure laughter from them both. Hearing them both giggle, literally lightened my mind and body and there I was smiling on my own in the kitchen preparing yet another meal, I think I might have even said “yes, thank god, finally” out loud. Cooking that meal became a wonderful experience reminiscing about playing camps with my brother and how we use to laugh and laugh at the silliest of things! Finally I had achieved one of my purposes, allowing the children to feel boredom so they had to use each other, from not jumping to their every WANT, addressing and acknowledging their fear so they could let go, just a little bit, enabled them to play again together and enjoy themselves, YES without my constant input and YES without technology.

I was happy with this and as long as they were getting on to a certain degree (obviously this wasn’t always going to run smoothly) I had taught them something invaluable, without being in teacher mode. They connected with nature and one another, they were communicating, team building, they were building a camp, they were working out about gravity and which part of the branch was best to sit on so they didn’t come crashing down, they ran and laughed. This form of downtime continued over the Easter holidays until the ramp up this week… the attempt of keeping the house calm still and conquering putting school work in front of them again filled me with dread, but this time I felt more in control of myself and the kids did too… And I must say the break from it all was what they needed, having addressed the fear, the confrontations, screaming and fighting and allowing them to talk and rest without the pressure, judgement and punishment I believe has helped them to come to the table and be present in their school work this week.

What have you been struggling with? What have been your revolutionary takeaway moments? What has made you cry? And ultimately what has made you laugh at times? I would love to hear your comments… until next time stay home and keep safe.